The Conversations Worth Having Before You Say “I Do”

Before there was a wedding to plan, there was a relationship to build.

For Stella and her fiancé, Jordan, nearly eight years together have brought different conversations with every season. “It’s hard to narrow down the ‘most important’ conversations every engaged couple should have because the truth is, they’ll never stop evolving,” Stella shares.

After spending a year long-distance between Washington, D.C., and Minnesota, they learned that communication meant more than simply talking. It meant being honest when something felt off and choosing to work through it together. You don’t need to have the next five, ten, or twenty years perfectly mapped out. What matters is continuing to have the conversations that help you understand one another, and the life you want to build together.

Know What You Value Most

Some of the most important conversations aren’t necessarily about making a decision right now. They’re about understanding the values that will shape the decisions you make together for years to come.

For Stella and Jordan, one of those conversations was about where they wanted to build their life. Having both grown up in the same community with their families only minutes apart, they realized early on that staying close to the people they love wasn’t just convenient; it was something they both deeply valued. 

As Stella shares, the conversations in their relationship naturally grew alongside them, eventually becoming about “where we wanted to build a life, the kind of family we hoped to raise, and what mattered most to us.” Those bigger conversations can help put so many of the smaller ones into perspective. Where do you picture yourselves calling home? What does family look like to you? What kind of life do you want to create together? What are the things neither of you wants to lose sight of as life changes?

You don’t need to have every detail of your future figured out before you get married. But knowing what matters most to each of you gives you something to come back to as you make those decisions together.

Get Comfortable Talking About Money

Wedding planning has a way of making financial conversations very real, very quickly.

When it comes to finances, Kayla says one of the most important conversations she and her fiancé had was deciding how to prioritize two major goals: their wedding and buying a home. “We knew we wanted to have a wedding when we got engaged, and we also want to be homeowners in the hopefully not-too-distant future,” Kayla shares. That meant having an honest conversation about which goal they wanted to prioritize first.

They ultimately decided to focus financially on their wedding before purchasing a home, but Kayla is quick to point out that there isn’t one universally “right” order. They have friends and family who have chosen to do the opposite and prioritize a home first.

What matters is that both partners understand the priorities, budget, and trade-offs behind the decision. Talking about money openly during wedding planning can also create habits that will continue serving you throughout your marriage.

Talk About How You’ll Navigate the Hard Seasons, Too

It’s easy to imagine marriage through the lens of its happiest moments. But a strong partnership also means learning how you’ll support one another when life doesn’t go according to plan.

In their mid-twenties, Stella and Jordan unexpectedly lost Jordan’s dad. It brought conversations and circumstances neither of them could have anticipated, while reinforcing the foundation they had spent years building together.

“We had to lean on the foundation we’d spent years building: honest communication, shared values, patience, and the ability to meet each other where we were at, even when one of us had very little left to give,” Stella says.

For Stella, that season reinforced that lasting relationships require consistent effort, mutual respect, grace, and the ability to remember that you’re on the same team—even when things are difficult. As she reflects, “Grief taught us that love alone isn’t what carries a relationship through life’s darkest moments. It’s consistent effort, mutual respect, extending grace when it’s hardest, and remembering that you’re always on the same team.”

Your engagement may be centered on one of the happiest milestones in your relationship, but the way you communicate, handle change, and care for one another throughout every season is what ultimately carries far beyond the wedding day.

Decide Which Traditions Feel Like You

Every family looks different, and a wedding often brings together two families with their own relationships, traditions, expectations, and ways of doing things. Because of that, the roles and traditions we typically associate with a wedding day won’t always feel right for every couple.

For Kayla and her fiancé, that meant having conversations about how they wanted their families to be involved rather than simply following tradition. Taking the time to talk through those dynamics together helped them decide what felt most meaningful for their families and, ultimately, for the two of them.

That same thinking shaped their ceremony. While they both come from faith backgrounds, they knew a traditional religious ceremony wasn’t what they envisioned for their wedding. Instead, they asked a close friend who has been an important part of Kayla’s life to officiate. “Honestly, we couldn’t have made a better choice,” Kayla says.

Their decision is a reminder that tradition can be meaningful without being mandatory. Whether it’s who walks you down the aisle, who stands beside you, who officiates your ceremony, or which traditions you choose to carry forward, your wedding doesn’t have to follow a certain formula simply because that’s how it has always been done.

The important conversation is figuring out what holds meaning for the two of you. Which traditions feel like home? Which ones no longer fit? And where do you want to create something entirely your own?

Figure Out Your Wedding Priorities

One of the easiest ways to become overwhelmed by wedding planning is to treat every decision as equally important. It isn’t.

When choosing vendors, Kayla emphasizes the importance of identifying what matters most to you as a couple. For her, photography was a major priority. Working in the visual media field herself and deeply valuing the art of photography, she knew she wanted someone whose work aligned with the way she envisioned remembering their wedding.

“I scoured for months to find photographers whose work aligned with my vision,” Kayla shares. After meeting with several photographers, she and her fiancé ultimately chose a photographer whose work, pricing, and overall energy made them feel comfortable and confident in their decision.

Food and beverage were another major priority. With Kayla’s background in event planning and catering, she and her fiancé knew they wanted to feel confident in the quality of the food and beverage experience they were creating for their guests. Kayla also points out that venues can vary greatly in how catering works, from exclusive or in-house catering to more open catering policies. If your ideal venue and catering scenario don’t perfectly align, she recommends deciding which is more important to you as a couple and letting that priority help guide the decision.

Maybe your priorities are photography and food, too. Or maybe they’re the venue, entertainment, flowers, guest experience, or something entirely different. Knowing where your priorities align, and where they differ, makes it much easier to decide where to invest your time, energy, and budget.